A Memory.

Once
i had a water balloon fight with my best friends
Zeba
Faisal
Ashley
Juju
At Saba and Zeeb's 15th birthday party.

i just wanted to put this on here so i don't forget. i probably never will...

It's Over.

Okay. Auditions on Monday, arrived at the CEPA (Center for Education and Performing Arts) and met up with friends; Jam, Megan, Laura (the one who said she would be Tiger Lily...she's actually cool and we're friends now) and Ashley. i filled out my audition form (Alice in Alice in Wonderland DID look awesome, btw) and then picked up a sheet of lyrics for Seasons of Love from Rent. Turns out that was the song we were going to sing in groups. i'm so glad i didn't sing that song for auditions because i came thiiiiiiiis close to choosing that instead of my song....



Mhm. i did Tomorrow. :D In the end it was the one i could sing best, i guess. i was given the number 24, Jam was 25. They finally called us into the dressing room and i was still calm, just hoping i wouldn't decide to freak out at the last minute and ruin everything. i walked onto the stage, still keeping my cool (yusss!!) and got to "when i'm stuck with a day that's gray..." before Mr. Gossett stopped me. After that i realized i was shaking. i read the Wendy monologue, and the Peter Pan monologue (that was cool). He asked me to do it "boyish" and i did the best i could....he's already told me before i did very well with cold readings so i hope i didn't disappoint him this time.

Then yesterday...everyone came back to the CEPA for the 2nd audition and this time we all sat in the house and just sang along with the CD version of Seasons of Love. Then we went up in groups to sing it on the stage (i volunteered for the first group) and sang it karaoke. Man i sucked! i put one finger in my ear to drown out everyone else and just listen to myself. i know i did MUCH better with the Annie song.

It just got worse. Mr. Gossett's sister Kimberly showed up to teach us a few quick dance moves. The problem was, she spent so little time teaching it, it felt like i only had moments to learn it before the music started playing and we did the same move over and over in front of the judges. i never got the moves until the other groups started going up and i got a few minutes to do it again to myself. FRUSTRATING. :P

Song playing: Let Me Go - 3 Doors Down

i think Shelby Hartley will definitely be in it...she had very good balance and movement and probably singing skills but she's overweight so the harness that the major characters wear to fly probably wouldn't hold her. Jam will probably get a major part. She's skinny and pretty...not the best at singing but she's got potential. Connie Kempffer, for sure. She's Mr. Gossett's pet. She might get Wendy or even Peter. The others i'm not sure about. There were probably a lot of good ones but i never saw them perform solo.

i don't think i'm going to make it.
Oh well.

HEEEEEELLPPPP

SHIT SHIT SHIT

Two more days till auditions and i'm still looking for a song!!!!! ><

The Annie and Warbucks song is definitely out. Now i'm looking into the Seasons of Love song from Rent. i've always loved that song but i'm not sure how well i can sing it, and i don't think it really describes me. i guess if worse comes to worse and i still don't have a song picked out by Monday, i'll just sing Tomorrow or Jack's Lament. Those two are my backup plans; i guess i can sing them both well.

Or i could just not sing at all...

Audition update

Audition Songs:

Somebody to Love - Queen
Jack's Lament - The Nightmare Before Christmas
Annie & Warbuck song from Annie
That tomorrow song - Annie

i sang Somebody to Love to myself last night. i used to be able to sing my lungs out all the time, because when we lived in Chicago i would have some time to myself after i came home from school, before my mom came home from work. i would sing as loudly as i wanted to. God i loved to sing. i still do, but i don't get to as much anymore since there's almost always someone home here, and even if i was alone i wouldn't be comfortable enough to do it, anyway. i don't know, i guess i'm always paranoid someone left a recording device on somehow and my horrible singing would be caught on tape. >< So to get some privacy, i turned my music way up and crawled under my desk and sang loudly to myself in the corner. i guess i did pretty well; my voice kind of sounded like Brie Larson. Only she's way better. Maybe it was because i haven't sung in a while (is that grammatically correct??) and i didn't talk much that day. If that's what makes me sing well, then i'm going to duct tape my mouth shut every other period on the day of the vocal auditions. i'm still kinda trying to figure out what 32 measures of a song equals. Mr. Gossett (intro to theatre teach) told me to count the beats. i'm afraid i'll get it wrong, but i suppose if i go too far they'll just have to stop me. i missed the drama club meeting that gave details about the auditions. Big mistake. i'm such an idiot. i could have scoped out the competition, but instead i sat in the cafeteria before homeroom, fucking around with my stupid friends. (: i seriously doubt i'm getting a part now. But i at least have to try; i'll regret it if i don't. Two more days. Cross your fingers, people. i want to be able to do something after school for once. :P

OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!!

ARGGHHHHH!!!!!! Okay. So. This guy on my bus asked me to sit next to him, and then told me he was single and then asked if i was. When i told him i wasn't he asked if i wanted to go four wheeling (keep in mind this is a very compressed verison of our conversation) and i'm like hell yeah

MY MOM WON'T LET ME GO

After i told her okay mom he's coming over and she's all okay, i'm gonna go out there and talk to him and meet with him and all that shit, and then he finally shows up and then my mom stands right in the fuckin living room and screams at me cuz i didn't tell her this was going on.What the fuck ever. So she goes out there and gives them this whole fuckin lecture and i'm just standing at the door trying not to fuckin cry.

i got in my room and i was so mad i finally did cry. This is so fuckin unfair. i was actually going to get out of the house and DO something for once. Normally all i do is sit here and go on myspace all day. She tells me i don't get out and do shit with my friends, and i'm just some fuckin hermit that doesn't want to be social. WHAT THE FUCK EVER. This is the reason i'm not social, you dumb cunt.

Ugh. i haven't been this mad in a long time. It's just, this was supposed to be my shining moment. i'm still pretty new, and still trying to find my place in school, and i just really wanted to see if i could fit in and have some fuckin FUN for once.

They probably won't even want me to go now. They'll be like, Oh, no, she's the stupid rich prick from the city. She's too good to get a little mud on her jeans.

Fuck.

i'm trying to think of something else. At least, that's what AJ is telling me i should do. i don't know what to think about, though. i'll just be sitting here all night like i always do.



*sigh.* Alright. Done being a whiny bitch. i'm really not that pissed anymore...it's like two hours later...Mom came in my room and explained all of the stuff that's going on outside of my little Pity Bubble. i can't say all of the details, i can only say that i have to go to the courthouse tomorrow and answer questions concerning lies that SOMEBODY put out there in a bitch fit, and then three hours later, i have to go talk to an attorney concerning a bunch of custody shit that i don't really feel like dealing with but apparently is necessary.

So yeah. That's my life. Not the best, not the worst.

Peace.

Ugh..

i finally finished the essay! :D i did it from Pip's point of view.

good night. ^^

Minutes

Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily.
Life is but a dream.


It's amazing how much people can overlook one another.
When i'm in a crowd of people (normally that means i'm in the lunchroom with a Styrofoam plate and a greasy pizza in front of me) i can't help but look around with eyes wide open. Every human that i see has had a life...been alive for fourteen to eighteen years. So much time, so many thoughts. How many great ideas have been evolved over their short lifetimes? How many experiences, good or bad, have been had by just one person in a room of two hundred? How many times had they thought they were going to die? How many times had they thought they were the happiest or unhappiest person on Earth? How many total minutes had been spent just sitting and staring at something beautiful?

Some people may find this weird, but oftentimes i pick out one person in a crowd of people and wonder, Do they have a lover to go home to? Do they have a good relationship with their mother? What are their secrets? Maybe they are hiding a terrible, great pain that weighs them down day after day. And then they disappear again, just another invisible face in a crowd. People you know for only a few moments are the best to do this with. The next time you're at Wal Mart paying for your stuff, look up from your wallet and see the face of the cashier. Sometimes this thought creeps into my mind: Thirty years from now, i'll never remember this moment. i might never see this person again. They could die tomorrow, and i would have no idea. It's a mind-boggling thought, because then you think of the 6 billion other people in the world you'll never come to know; six billion lives, six billion hearts beating, trillions and trillions of thoughts and ideas you'll never know of. It's hard to wrap my head around that.

i like to play Solitaire when i need to think. i love the simplicity of moving cards around and placing the red ones under black ones and black ones under red ones. When it gets too hard i usually just deal and start over. that's a pretty good metaphor for my life; when things get rough i usually try to just throw everything away and start over. i know that's a horrible way to deal with your problems but i don't feel like growing up right now.